Roles
Top and bottom
In a BDSM relationship, the partner who has the active role in a session or in the entire relationship is described as the "top", a role that often involves inflicting pain, degradation or subjugation. The partner referred to as the "bottom" submits voluntarily to the actions of the top.
Although the top is usually also the dominant partner and the bottom the submissive partner, it is not inevitably so. In some cases the top (known in this case as a service top) follows instructions from the bottom according to the bottom's desires and in a way the bottom expressly requires. If the bondage/discipline aspect of BDSM involves a top actively performing a skill while a bottom willingly submits, then the dominance/submission aspect here is reversed from what is typically expected.
By contrast, a dominant top controls their submissive bottom partner, sometimes by using physical or psychological techniques, although consent is always established first. This power relationship is so common, "bottom" and "submissive" are sometimes used interchangeably. However, most frequently, bottom refers to anyone receiving an act while submissive refers to someone who is obedient to a dominant, i.e.; a dominant receiving a massage from a submissive is considered a bottom while the submissive is the top during the act of giving the massage. The top or bottom actors may change but the roles of dominant and submissive remain the same.
A similar distinction also may apply to bottoms. At one end of the spectrum are those who are indifferent to, or even reject physical stimulation. At the other end of the spectrum are bottoms who enjoy discipline and erotic humiliation but are not willing to be subordinate to the person who applies it. The bottom is frequently the partner who specifies the basic conditions of the session and gives instructions, directly or indirectly, in the negotiation, while the top often respects this guidance. Other bottoms often called "brats" try to incur punishment from their tops by provoking them or "misbehaving". Nevertheless a small, very puristic "school" exists within the BDSM community, which regards such "topping from the bottom" as rude or even incompatible with the standards of BDSM relations.
Switch
BDSM practitioners may also "switch", meaning they play either or both roles. He or she may practice this with one or more specific partners. The many reasons for switching are often very subjective and sometimes situational. A switch may simply enjoy both top and bottom roles or may be experimenting. Sometimes a relationship with a partner of the same primary preference (for example, two tops) requires switching to fulfill various BDSM needs within that relationship. Some change roles but do not regard themselves as switches as they do so irregularly or under specific circumstances only.
Top and bottom
In a BDSM relationship, the partner who has the active role in a session or in the entire relationship is described as the "top", a role that often involves inflicting pain, degradation or subjugation. The partner referred to as the "bottom" submits voluntarily to the actions of the top.
Although the top is usually also the dominant partner and the bottom the submissive partner, it is not inevitably so. In some cases the top (known in this case as a service top) follows instructions from the bottom according to the bottom's desires and in a way the bottom expressly requires. If the bondage/discipline aspect of BDSM involves a top actively performing a skill while a bottom willingly submits, then the dominance/submission aspect here is reversed from what is typically expected.
By contrast, a dominant top controls their submissive bottom partner, sometimes by using physical or psychological techniques, although consent is always established first. This power relationship is so common, "bottom" and "submissive" are sometimes used interchangeably. However, most frequently, bottom refers to anyone receiving an act while submissive refers to someone who is obedient to a dominant, i.e.; a dominant receiving a massage from a submissive is considered a bottom while the submissive is the top during the act of giving the massage. The top or bottom actors may change but the roles of dominant and submissive remain the same.
A similar distinction also may apply to bottoms. At one end of the spectrum are those who are indifferent to, or even reject physical stimulation. At the other end of the spectrum are bottoms who enjoy discipline and erotic humiliation but are not willing to be subordinate to the person who applies it. The bottom is frequently the partner who specifies the basic conditions of the session and gives instructions, directly or indirectly, in the negotiation, while the top often respects this guidance. Other bottoms often called "brats" try to incur punishment from their tops by provoking them or "misbehaving". Nevertheless a small, very puristic "school" exists within the BDSM community, which regards such "topping from the bottom" as rude or even incompatible with the standards of BDSM relations.
Switch
BDSM practitioners may also "switch", meaning they play either or both roles. He or she may practice this with one or more specific partners. The many reasons for switching are often very subjective and sometimes situational. A switch may simply enjoy both top and bottom roles or may be experimenting. Sometimes a relationship with a partner of the same primary preference (for example, two tops) requires switching to fulfill various BDSM needs within that relationship. Some change roles but do not regard themselves as switches as they do so irregularly or under specific circumstances only.
Types of relationships
Play
BDSM practitioners sometimes regard the practice of BDSM in their sex life as role playing and so often use the terms "Play" and "Playing" to describe activities where in their roles. Play of this sort for a specified period of time is often called a "Session", and the contents and the circumstances of play are often referred to as the "Scene". It is also common in personal relationships to use the term "Kink Play" for BDSM activities, or more specific terms for the type of activity. The relationships can be of varied types.
Long term
Early writings on BDSM both by the academic and BDSM community spoke little of long-term relationships with some in the Gay Leather community suggesting short-term play relationships to be the only feasible relationship models, and recommending people to get married and "play" with BDSM outside of marriage. In recent times though writers of BDSM and sites for BDSM have been more focused on long-term relationships.
A 2003 study, the first to look at these relationships, fully demonstrated that "quality long-term functioning relationships" exist among practitioners of BDSM, with either sex being the top or bottom (homosexual couples were not looked at). Respondents in the study2 expressed their BDSM orientation to be built into who they are, but considered exploring their BDSM interests an ongoing task, and showed flexibility and adaptability in order to match their interests with their partners. The "perfect match" where both in the relationship shared the same tastes and desires was rare, and most relationships required both partners to take up or put away some of their desires. The BDSM activities that the couples partook in varied in sexual to nonsexual significance for the partners who reported doing certain BDSM activities for "couple bonding, stress release, and spiritual quests". The most reported issue amongst respondents was not finding enough time to be in role with most adopting a 24/7 lifestyle wherein both partners maintain their dominant or submissive role throughout the day.
Amongst the respondents it was typically the bottoms who wanted to play harder, and be more restricted into their roles when there was a difference in desire to play in the relationship. The author of the study, Bert Cutler, speculated that tops may be less often in the mood to play due to the increased demand for responsibility on their part: being aware of the safety of the situation and prepared to remove the bottom from a dangerous scenario, being conscious of the desires and limits of the bottom, and so on. The author of the study stressed that successful long-term BDSM relationships came after "early and thorough disclosure" from both parties of their BDSM interests.
Many of those engaged in long-term BDSM relationships learned their skills from larger BDSM organizations and communities There was a lot of discussion by the respondents on the amount of control the top possessed in the relationships with almost non-existent discussion of the top "being better, or smarter, or of more value" than the bottom. Couples were generally of the same mind of whether or not they were in 24/7 relationship, but noted that in such cases the bottom is not locked up 24/7, but that their role in the context of the relationship was always present, even when the top is doing non-dominant activities such as household chores: cleaning, taking out the trash, and so on., or the bottom being in a more dominant position. In its conclusion the study states:
The respondents valued themselves, their partners, and their relationships. All couples expressed considerable good will toward their partners. The power exchange between the cohorts appears to be serving purposes beyond any sexual satisfaction, including experiencing a sense of being taken care of and bonding with a partner.
The study further goes on to list three aspects that made the successful relationships work: early disclosure of interests and continued transparency, a commitment to personal growth, and the use of the dominant/submissive roles as a tool to maintain the relationship. In his closing remarks the author of the study theorizes that due to the serious potential for harm that couples in BDSM relationships develop increased communication that may be higher than in mainstream relationships
Professional services
A professional dominatrix or professional dominant, often referred to within the culture as a "pro-dom(me)", offers services encompassing the range of bondage, discipline, and dominance in exchange for money. The term "Dominatrix" is little-used within the non-professional BDSM scene. A non-professional dominant woman is more commonly referred to simply as a "Domme", "Dominant", or "Femdom". There are also services provided by professional female submissives ("pro-subs"). A professional submissive consents to her client's dominant behavior within negotiated limits, and often works within a professional dungeon. Professional submissives, although far more rare, do exist. Most of the people who work as subs normally have tendencies towards such activities, especially when sadomasochism is involved. Males also work as professional "Tops" in BDSM, and are called "Masters" or "Doms". However it is much more rare to find a male in this profession. A male "pro-dom" typically only works with male clientele.
Play
BDSM practitioners sometimes regard the practice of BDSM in their sex life as role playing and so often use the terms "Play" and "Playing" to describe activities where in their roles. Play of this sort for a specified period of time is often called a "Session", and the contents and the circumstances of play are often referred to as the "Scene". It is also common in personal relationships to use the term "Kink Play" for BDSM activities, or more specific terms for the type of activity. The relationships can be of varied types.
Long term
Early writings on BDSM both by the academic and BDSM community spoke little of long-term relationships with some in the Gay Leather community suggesting short-term play relationships to be the only feasible relationship models, and recommending people to get married and "play" with BDSM outside of marriage. In recent times though writers of BDSM and sites for BDSM have been more focused on long-term relationships.
A 2003 study, the first to look at these relationships, fully demonstrated that "quality long-term functioning relationships" exist among practitioners of BDSM, with either sex being the top or bottom (homosexual couples were not looked at). Respondents in the study2 expressed their BDSM orientation to be built into who they are, but considered exploring their BDSM interests an ongoing task, and showed flexibility and adaptability in order to match their interests with their partners. The "perfect match" where both in the relationship shared the same tastes and desires was rare, and most relationships required both partners to take up or put away some of their desires. The BDSM activities that the couples partook in varied in sexual to nonsexual significance for the partners who reported doing certain BDSM activities for "couple bonding, stress release, and spiritual quests". The most reported issue amongst respondents was not finding enough time to be in role with most adopting a 24/7 lifestyle wherein both partners maintain their dominant or submissive role throughout the day.
Amongst the respondents it was typically the bottoms who wanted to play harder, and be more restricted into their roles when there was a difference in desire to play in the relationship. The author of the study, Bert Cutler, speculated that tops may be less often in the mood to play due to the increased demand for responsibility on their part: being aware of the safety of the situation and prepared to remove the bottom from a dangerous scenario, being conscious of the desires and limits of the bottom, and so on. The author of the study stressed that successful long-term BDSM relationships came after "early and thorough disclosure" from both parties of their BDSM interests.
Many of those engaged in long-term BDSM relationships learned their skills from larger BDSM organizations and communities There was a lot of discussion by the respondents on the amount of control the top possessed in the relationships with almost non-existent discussion of the top "being better, or smarter, or of more value" than the bottom. Couples were generally of the same mind of whether or not they were in 24/7 relationship, but noted that in such cases the bottom is not locked up 24/7, but that their role in the context of the relationship was always present, even when the top is doing non-dominant activities such as household chores: cleaning, taking out the trash, and so on., or the bottom being in a more dominant position. In its conclusion the study states:
The respondents valued themselves, their partners, and their relationships. All couples expressed considerable good will toward their partners. The power exchange between the cohorts appears to be serving purposes beyond any sexual satisfaction, including experiencing a sense of being taken care of and bonding with a partner.
The study further goes on to list three aspects that made the successful relationships work: early disclosure of interests and continued transparency, a commitment to personal growth, and the use of the dominant/submissive roles as a tool to maintain the relationship. In his closing remarks the author of the study theorizes that due to the serious potential for harm that couples in BDSM relationships develop increased communication that may be higher than in mainstream relationships
Professional services
A professional dominatrix or professional dominant, often referred to within the culture as a "pro-dom(me)", offers services encompassing the range of bondage, discipline, and dominance in exchange for money. The term "Dominatrix" is little-used within the non-professional BDSM scene. A non-professional dominant woman is more commonly referred to simply as a "Domme", "Dominant", or "Femdom". There are also services provided by professional female submissives ("pro-subs"). A professional submissive consents to her client's dominant behavior within negotiated limits, and often works within a professional dungeon. Professional submissives, although far more rare, do exist. Most of the people who work as subs normally have tendencies towards such activities, especially when sadomasochism is involved. Males also work as professional "Tops" in BDSM, and are called "Masters" or "Doms". However it is much more rare to find a male in this profession. A male "pro-dom" typically only works with male clientele.
